Episode 42 – Fastening a Noose Now the Chuckles Are Tallied

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The Season Finale of Two Absolute Bookends – Chapter 30 of the way the Stars Fall: Rebirth.

Back on the tranquillity, Sans Hollister and with a Popsicle alien Tona, Jack has a mental breakdown, fails to go through a wormhole, cries, destroys the Rokarii Fleet then passes out. Waking up in the infirmary, he spends the rest of the chapter musing on his situation, getting ammo from Tiberius who for some reason lets the tranquillity go, then leads his ship off into the emptiness of space following a very uninspiring speech. And that is how part one of the trilogy ends ladies and gentlemen.

This is a marathon episode of the kind not seen since the Sonic High School Saga. Not only do we go through this chapter, we go through the book as a whole, the characters, plot points we had trouble with and of course, tallied up the chuckles once and for all. If you wanted a comprehensive review of the book as a whole, as comprised by autists who have spent the last year reading through and talking about it, this week we’ve got you sorted. While we still have our moments, this is probably the longest we’ve stayed mostly on topic in the history of the podcast.

This fucking stupid idea was born in late summer 2016, it is now nearing the end of 2018 as I upload this episode. As you can probably tell from the fact I only managed to upload 9 of the 42 episode in 2018, life and somewhat dwindling passion was beginning to get in the way of this project, but frankly I’m still impressed we didn’t get bored after the first 3. My thanks to Louis for joining me on this quixotic journey, I hope he enjoyed himself as much as I did recording them, and wasn’t just doing it out of a fear I’d hang myself if the project was left unfinished. Hopefully one day when we’ve recharged our batteries he’ll get back upon Rocinante with me and we’ll find another abortion of literature to laugh at.

Finally I’d like to thank Lewis Stockton, Jim Theas and whoever the crazy diamond that wrote Sonic High School was. We may not have enjoyed your writings in the way you intended, but enjoy them we did, I hope that can make you happy in some small way and that you learnt from the process of writing these books to write something better in the future.

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Episode 41 - The Dab Heard Across The Universe

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In the penultimate chapter 29 we have a fiery conclusion to the action we’ve been building to for chapters.

Tiberius busts into the room where Jack is getting his insides made outsides by Tona, a three way fight ensues, and after Tona suddenly remember who she is, she gets knocked unconscious. Jack and Tiberius continue to fight for a while until they realise they are literally surrounded by Rokarii trying to kill them both. A Truce decided on, they try and hold them off until out of nowhere Hollister does a big damn heroes yet again. After fighting their way halfway back Jack, I shit you not, remembers that he left unconscious Alien Tona behind and makes everyone go back for her. Everyone dies, and Hollister has to sacrifice himself so Jack, Tiberius and Tona can escape in a shuttle. Then Tiberius decides to let Jack go and flies off back to the turmoil.

I’ll be straight with you, we don’t have any idea what is going on or why, nor do we particularly care at this point. But what you will get is us talking about using our podcast to learn English, wanking over a memorial video for the late Barry Chuckle, the art of the apocalyptic Dab, Chuckle Vision based excel formula and having your own eulogies set up on a sort of online dead man’s handle system.

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Episode 40 - Sad One Tonight Boys

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As the book nears its end, we find ourselves back aboard the Turmoil to find out what our old buddy Tiberius has been up to.

It can actually be summarised very quickly. He takes the Ilmarian fleets, which now all have warp drives somehow, and jumps right into the middle of the fight we left the Tranquility in last week, where he then boards the flagship just in time to be the ambiguous figure in the last chapter.

We go, as is often the case with short chapters like this, way off the reservation with regards to staying on topic. We talk about Alan Partridge, high tech modesty curtains, if DFS still will exist In the far future (and if they will still always be on sale), Mark Hamill’s car crash and our need for a TWTSF visual Novel and/or pop-up book.

And, of course, we cannot ignore the elephant in the room that is the sad passing of Barry Chuckle. RIP you crazy diamond.

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Episode 39 - All Roads Lead to Qualm Pie

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It’s all action aboard the tranquillity for Chapter 27 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth.

As they approach the wormhole, the Rokarii fleet from a few chapters ago flies out to meet them. Don’t think about the logistics of that, because they make no sense. We then have a big old spaceship fight with broadsides, ruse cruises and yet another commando raid to rescue Tona. Spoiler, Jack gets impaled on her claws. But ooh, who is this mysterious figure with a bomb who turns up for the cliff-hanger?

Still you can just feel the author trying to pull the string together in an action climax that doesn’t really pay off. As ever, we attempt to improve upon our poor source material by talking about why Nerds say ‘Gods’ rather than ‘God’, why 19th century ships had guns on their broadsides (And why this is kinda retarded for space ships), cuckoo clocks on the bridge of the Tranquillity, the pitfalls of having a wood burning stove in space and the logistics of adding a porch to your spaceship.

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Episode 38 – Unnecessary Maths

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The last chapter blew chunks, and chapter 26 isn’t any better. A short chapter that is still far too long considering literally nothing of interest happens.

We’re back on the tranquillity with jack and Hollister, and we get to enjoy Logistics the Musical as they talk about repairs, food and ammunition while slowly flying towards a wormhole. Oh joy.

You can practically see the author just wrapping things up as quickly as possible and get to the final action scene, to the degree I wonder why he even bothered writing this chapter at all. I guess he liked the sound of having 30 chapters. So, in want of actual content to discuss, enjoy your two bookends developing a leather chair based system of ageing spaceships, a discussion of deepest Chucklevision lore and briefly get dangerously close to politics when we discuss Mark Zuckerberg’s day out to the Supreme Court.

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Episode 37 – Farmer Tona and the Jack Hunter Harvest

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Welp, that didn’t last long. After being comparatively positive about chapter 24, chapter 25 turned out to be an abortion even by the usual standards of this book.

We spend the whole chapter with the Rokarii, where Tona and Queen Vilxena discuss their retarded plans to conquer the universe and milk jack for DNA, then Tona leads the fleet through the wormhole and that’s… it?

Seriously, this chapter is really short, it feels like the author is getting as bored as we are and trying to wrap this shitshow up as quickly as possible. Even with our digressions about alien fleshlights, more Romans, five minutes of us laughing at the concept of Tona yelling at a rotating hologram of Jack and the mechanics of downloading things directly to and from your brain, this episode still only just breaks 45 minutes. A fact I’m sure you are all very glad of.

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Episode 36 - Uncharacteristic Competence

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This time on Two Absolute Bookends we get a chapter of literally nothing, albeit nothing written better that any of the action we’ve had recently.

Tiberius returns back to the Imperator for a chat after everything went wrong in his attempt to capture the Tranquillity and fight the Rokarii at the same time. However, being a bro, the Imperator decides to give him another shot, and sends him back out to track down and capture the Tranquillity once and for all. That’s it. Though, we both agree, despite literally nothing happening, this chapter was actually almost written well in parts, so don’t say we can't praise the book when promise is shown.

Of course, in such a short chapter, we manage to get distracted as per usual and discuss the history of Manservants and thereby Peter’s infatuation with PG Wodehouse and the idealised version of the early 20th century he set his books in, the noble ancient Roman tradition of the haruspex and the relative merits of Scrappy Doo as a cartoon character. And who could forget the Globgogabgalab...

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Episode 35 - Remembering Talia

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This time on Two Absolute Bookends we get some action as Tiberius and his fleet finally interact with jack and the Rokarii in the past... Just roll with it. Needless to say, as this is TWTSF, everyone is retarded.

The tranquillity is in a bad way from the pursuing Rokarii (though there wasn’t even mention of an active pursuit when we were last with them), about to be intercepted by a second fleet, when Tiberius jumps through the hole and really fucks his day up. They are both shocked to find out that somehow they are both the evil twin, upon which Tiberius resolves to blast them apart. Quite how he intends to capture them is the ship is destroyed is anyone’s guess. Long story short, jack escapes by making a sun, then goes back to save Tiberius’s fleet for stupid reasons, then they both escape back to the present and go their separate ways.

Even in this action packed chapter, your Bookend buddies still manage to talk about the (cultural) death of Mike Myers, Hitler’s paining career and the potential epilepsy of Julius Caesar. So join us, as we muse on if a Rokarii Hollister can chuckle, Louis get’s triggered by the concept of the author referring to anything in the pre-book past of the characters, the potential Homosexual experimentation in the sex dungeons of Talia and the mind splitting retardation of the time travel rules the book uses.

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Episode 34 - Beetle Craft, Beetle Craft, Beetle Craft

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Back again with a little less down time to welcome in the New Year, your bookends this week join Captain Tiberius of the turmoil, where after like 10 chapters we finally have Tiberius’s story intersect with Jack and the Tranquillity again.

The chapter is bloody boring, Tiberius arrives in the system with the wormhole, blows up a Rokarii vessel and then goes through the wormhole. And if that sounds in any way exciting, then I’ve raised your expectations far too high. Also, in my humble opinion the author lays on the despicableness of Tiberius on far too heavy to take seriously – there’s being evil, then there’s being stupid.

Don’t you worry though, while the subject matter may be boring, your Bookends still find plenty of fun stuff to talk about in the various problems of motivation, science, sense and chronology as they try and work out how anything Tiberius does this chapter makes sense. And when that fails Peter spends ten minutes giving a lecture on naval warfare for dummies, offers a chimney based method for saving the planet and, for some reason, Nazi’s get brought up again. I wish I knew why this keeps happening. We’re just bad people I guess.

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Episode 33 – G.I. Jake

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It’s been a long long time Bookend Friends. Not only did we have eight episodes of sonic high school madness, but we had Peter being an absolute useless piece of shit when it came to editing for most of November and December, but here we are, just in time for new years, back in the ITF Tranquillity where we belong with Jack Hunter, Tona, Hollister and all the rest of the gang.

After a critical look, we’ve come to realise that nothing important happens this chapter at all, it’s all a big shaggy dog story where Jack tries to save the Alien version of Tona, and fails, then they decide they need to escape back into the present. There are insane military manoeuvres, sexual violence and more, but the only thing that actually matters is when we find out the Rokarii think Jack is the perfect human specimen and wants to harvest his DNA. I shit you not. This is where the plot is now.

Your Bookends have a mixture of relief to be back in the familiar after months of sonic high school, and abject bafflement at how the plot is developing. It’s not every story where you can discuss Alien Cuckoldry, Arrested Development and 60’s Batman and Robin without going off topic, but god bless The Way the Stars Fall for existing. The marines being unwilling to retreat from certain death does almost give Peter an aneurysm though, so swings and roundabouts.

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Episode 24 - Nobody Expects the ITF Tranquillity

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Join your Two Absolute Bookends in Chapter 20 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth where the Tranquility go back 50000 years into the past, and nobody really cares, jack decided to try rescuing Tona against all good reason and Jack goes on a ‘Snatch & Grab’ with the trading ships crap marines – Starfire Squad. Huwah!

Their plan fails miserably.

I’ve made the chapter sound a lot more interesting than it actually is, with the action only taking up like a quarter of the chapter, but somehow your bookends talk forever, with Peter really going off on one about how this is the chapter where the book really lost it. He got so engrossed in yelling about time travel he forgot to mention the passage the episode name comes from. What a plum preserve he is. You get a whole groat if you can spot the passage.

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Episode 23 - Franz Kafka’s Tona Shrike

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Join your Two Absolute Bookends in Chapter 19 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth where the Team escapes from the insurrectionist ambush with minimal effort, despite not standing a chance. Meanwhile Tona undergoes a horrific transformation into a Rokarii for reasons never adequately explained.

A lot happens very quickly this chapter, with Tona taking over a quarter of the crew in a paragraph, having a battle with Jack and escaping into a wormhole, where of course Jack has to follow, also for reasons I don’t fully understand. Featuring discussions of Simpson’s memes, bacchanal orgies, bone high heels and swimming with Bel Biv Devoe for my bucket list. What a time to be alive.

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Episode 22 - Thor Four Est Mort

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Join your Two Absolute Bookends in Chapter 18 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth where Tona is recovering from her Rokarii shanking, but doesn’t let that mar her perfect stomach, Jack is keeping her company rather than captaining, Roxy is introduced then killed and Hollister doesn’t stand a chance.

Not much really happens this chapter, which leads us into a reprise of some of our old wonders, such as whose fault the Vortmund fuckup is and what happens when you let loaders fly fighter ships, with us going into newer territory wondering why the Tranquility has straw mattresses bolted to its hull and going on a five minute detour talking about the Marvel cinematic universe.

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Episode 21 - Mind Smirks

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Join your Two Absolute Bookends in Chapter 17 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth while Jack leads a team of his trading ship’s crack commandos to rescue the inexplicably not dead Tona from the clutches of a very confused Alien Hive Mind. It’s far less exciting than it sounds.

Herein we discuss the trend of overly humanised hive minded aliens, get a film recommendation from Louis, the etymology of the word ‘horde’ and yet again we end up back in ancient Rome. This time wondering about the historical precedents of bum based manoeuvring.

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Episode 20 - Soft Ilmarian Metal Music

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After a long hiatus in uploads (which is all entirely on Peter for being distracted and an overall lazy shit) we’re back and looking at chapter 16 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth.

This is our second attempt at recording this episode, and our frayed nerves do start to show as this fairly uneventful chapter leads us into talking about gambling for space porn, Hollister’s hypothetical murder spree and plans to get into Jack’s pants, ideas for other podcasts and musings on what constitutes a face.

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Episode 19 - The Amazing 'Pfts'

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This week your two bookends find themselves again on the Vortmund with Tona looking at the alien egg.

It hatches, everybody dies and Tona does everything wrong that she possible could.

With that in mind, let me leave you with this direct quote from Tona near the close of the chapter:
‘Oh god, I’m dead, it’s got me, I was stupid; I shouldn’t have opened the door, why did I open the door? Why am I not dead yet?’

Why indeed Tona. Why Indeed...

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Episode 18 - Romancing the Ton(a)

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This week we’re reading Chapter 14 of TWTSF:R and we mostly spend it with the now captain (shudder) of the Vortmund, Tona, as she mines, romances and touches dusty alien eggs.

Featured this week is lots of complaining about Tona being a captain, the universes weird tech abilities, Jack’s light fitting sabotage and an old timey space miner that Peter found far more entertaining than he should.

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Episode 17 - Stop Of His Head

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This week you’re bookends Join Jack and the tranquillity crew in getting far away from any threat of an interesting plot or action scene around the insurrectionist base, Peter again displays his frayed sanity when he talks about spaceship engines for about a quarter of an hour and Tona become a captain of her own ship.

Wait.

What.

WHAT!

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Episode 16 - Girder Based Recruitment

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After last week’s throwback, your bookends are finally talking to you from there here and now as they finally get their teeth back into “The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth”.

It’s good to be back my friends.

Prepare yourselves for steamy love pecks, dreams of a Jack-Insurrectionist duumvirate, complete abandonment of any attempts to describe action sequences and the hasty abortion of this insurrectionist arc before anything had a chance to happen.

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Episode 15 - Fist Shaped Object

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This week your two bookends read to you from about two months in the past, in the simpler times of early January 2017 before either had read the Eye of Argon. Life seemed so simple then.

Apologies on how long it took to get this out, for a myriad of reasons, though admittedly a large chunk of them involve Peter being a lazy gobshite.

In the Chapter itself Jack and co reach the insurrectionist base, meet the leader of the insurrection and wander around the base a bit. That’s it really, but we still waffle on about it for an hour...

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