Bookend Game Awards: Introduction

Hello one and all, this weekend will see the inaugural Bookend Game Awards, inspired by talking to people at work and really just how out of touch most of the games I play are. Of all the games that got awards in this year, I’ve actually played maybe 5, and a lot of those were gifted to rather than actually bought, so yea, I go out of my way to not support the game industry I guess.

I’m probably likely to at least start playing some more recent games after Christmas, but those guys are going to have to settle for being in next year’s award if I’m still alive by then.

So you know what you’re letting yourself in for, here’s the list of the 39 games I remember playing this year, in alphabetical order:

Banjo-Kazooie

Cuphead

Dark Souls

DOOM

Dragon Ball Xenoverse

Dust: An Elysium Tale

Endless Space

Hegemony: Gold

Hollow Knight

Hyper Light Drifter

ICEY

Inside

Killer7

Killing Floor 2

Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Lone Survivor

Medieval Total War 2

Metal Gear Rising: Revengence

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker

Mordheim: City of the Damned

N++

Naploeon Total war

OneShot

Overwatch

Patrician 3

Puppeteer

Red Dead Redemption

Rocket league

Rome Total War

Slime Rancher

Spyro the dragon

Steamworld heist

Sunless Sea

Superhot

Total War: Shogun 2

Transformers Devastation

Uncharted: A Thief's End

Warhammer: Total War

Windward

For the record, I’ve mostly only put games up here I’ve finished, are indefinite in scope or that I’ve played my fill of and have no intention of ever revisiting.

I’m going to give the same categories as the game awards, even though I’m not even sure what some of them are supposed to even mean,  but as I’m sure you can tell from that list, there are some categories that may be a little... eh heh heh... sparse, to say the least.

Up next will be a group of awards that I’m affectionately grouping together into the ‘LUL no’ category. You’ll see what I mean.

Right Bookend Peter signing out.

Episode 32 – Graduation Day at Sonic’s Hole

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We did it guys! Your two bookends are finally finished with Sonic High School and can move on with the important things in life. Eight episodes were about 7 more than I wanted to do after the first week, but we’re nothing if not dedicated to this stupidity.

For such a long chapter, not too much happens. Tails interrupts Knuckle’s sex crime, explains why his chaos emeralds couldn’t resurrect sonic, steal them back from an unconscious Cream and meet up with the rest of the cast to tell them the good news. After having gathered everyone at Sonic's grave, they make the wish, and he comes back to life, blue and with his ball disease a thing of the past. He then proceeds to have sex with Amy in horrific and confusing detail. Knuckles makes a school report about it, everyone says what they’ve learned and the principal comes out an renames the school ‘Sonic High School’ and that’s all folks.

Despite being so close to the end, it’s almost like your bookends don’t want to leave given how off topic they get, or maybe they REALLY just want to talk about anything but Sonic High School by this point. As they waste an indecent amount of time talking about Peter’s pencil cases, whether riding a horse out of a plane would kill it or give it a religious experience, selling bean bags full of olives on Dragon’s Den, the Goosebumps series, the plight of the noble grave robber and the time Peter’s front room was invaded by a screaming frog.

To conclude, Sonic High School is: ‘A series of sex events, with sentences between them. Still not sure if Troll or not.’

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 31 - Anacondas in the Ovary Office (feat. Smash Mouth)

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It’s the penultimate episode on Sonic High School your bookends will ever do. This week we’ll be reading Chapters 23 and 24, it’s been 7 episodes on this abortion of a fanfic, and my god does it feel like many, many more.

Shadow the hedgehog finds out the cause of his funeral faux pas was due to missing a Ultra Chaos Emerald. In order to get back the missing emerald he seduces cream the rabbit, and then knocks her unconscious with a piggy bank on the end of his penis. Just as he finds the emerald, Tails bursts in proclaiming he’s worked out what’s going on. We then flash back in the next chapter to the rest of the main cast at Sonic’s wake, commiserating, making teeth, being babies, just wake things. Then Tails sings a sad song about high school, before having the revelation that sent him to Cream’s house in the prior chapter.

Meanwhile, your bookends drag out this already bloated series by getting possibly the most off topic they’ve ever managed. Discussing snake care, water consumption, Tenacious D, the mystic tale of Andorra’s Box and the taste of elbow lubricant. In particular, we spend a long time on planning our perfect Anaconda and Hotdog funeral.

We also sing Tail’s song to the tune of Smash Mouth’s hit “All Star”. You have been warned.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 30 - Impromptu Funeral Dressage

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Spelunking in the caves beneath the mountains of madness yet again, your Bookend Boys Peter and Louis read chapters 20-22 of the twisted fever dream that is Sonic High school, with the end looming tantalisingly close.

After being confronted with the apparent cheating of his true GirlFriend (sic) Amy, Sonic abandons her to stay in her Auschwitz like detention, dyes his fur black and goes on a spree of violence, drugs, public masturbation and truancy. With his mind having been taken over by drugs, he breaks into Amy’s house, beats her up, punching out all her teeth, until she kicks him in the balls, at which point, confronted with the awful things he’d done and confused in his soul, he drove off a cliff to his death. Next we see Sonics funreal (sic), where everyone is sad, until Shadow turns up ruins things by trying and failing to resurrect him with the Ultra Chaos emeralds, leaving us with the sad climax of Sonic remaining dead in a coffin while shadow shakes his cadaver about.

Meanwhile Peter and Louis try to distract themselves from these horrific happenings with talk about Christmas Classic: The Snowman, car insurance adverts, the misadventures of Seagulls, DVD rule 34 and had an open discussion about the varied genitals of the Animal Kingdom.

Two more weeks of Sonic High School and freedom will be ours.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 29 - A Crocodile Penis Depression

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It’s that time again bookend fans, where your boys Peter and Louis take it upon themselves to tackle chapters 17-19 of Sonic High School, even though nobody asked them to and frankly everyone would be happier if they just stopped.

This time Sonic is forced to thank a deaf lunch woman for her house breaking skills by putting his head inside her vagina and screaming. He follows this by head butting a crocodile’s penis to the point of climax, throwing a toddler into the semen then petrifying him with his balls. Oh, and they find out Charmy bee got killed. Back at high school, buoyed up with the good news of Charmy bee’s death, Tails and Cream have sex in a cupboard, whereupon he finds Amy’s golden wristband on his knob, leading him to theorise she is some kind of prostitute. Confronted with this information, Sonic goes to confront Amy, currently in detention and horribly emaciated.

Your bookends meanwhile discuss their controversial opinions on Pickles and food deconstruction for their removal, the victimless crime that is slagging off the deaf on a podcast, contacting SEGA to make Sonic’s ball problems canon, our relatives who fought in the great wars so we could make this piece of shit and the delicious meta nougat you can curate when podcasting.

We’re nearing the final stretch now! And thankfully guns are illegal in the UK, so at least for now suicide is harder than finishing Sonic High School!

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 28 - Skatman Omega

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Join us friends; high school calls. However, while our spirits are willing, our minds are gradually being reduced to the consistency of good old Grandma Bookend’s famous kedgeree dish.

This week we read chapters 13-16 of the McDonalds endorsed masterpiece Sonic High School, where oh so much happens...

Shadow goes on a drive involving racial violence, decorating his car with spunky curtains, punking a policeman and trying to feed his cock and balls to his cars waste disposal. Oh, and he picks up silver to go to the play. The play is gay, but Charmy Bee turns out to be a murderous robot that tries to kill everyone, so that’s okay. Also Sonic poops again. Believe it or not that’s a plot point. Sonic also has to look after Knuckles and Knuckles Junior, who are both currently babies in case you have forgotten. They then practice kissing on each other while sonic films it.

Your bookends are getting seriously close to breaking, so do keep them company as they discuss Steven Kings’ constipation woes, the proliferation of Lego Rule 34 and ponder the dystopian future of Sex Robots.

When will it end?

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 27 - Chekov’s Lie Down

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This is bad bookend fans. With Peter and Louis less than halfway through Sonic High school their minds have already frayed to dangerous levels. Send help, or possibly ISIS, to put them out of their misery.

In the text Rouge gives birth to Knuckle’s baby (to the surprise of Espio, who was trying to covertly abort the baby shortly beforehand thinking it was his). Knuckles and Espio have to fight for no good reason - cucking Knuckles I suppose. Then knuckles kisses Espio and becomes a being of pure energy then goes inside of Rouge who then gives birth to him as a baby that looks like Espio. Then Sonic sees a Chinese doctor about his ball problems, that turn out to be apocalyptic in scope.

Meanwhile your bookends open a betting pool on sonic cucking, discuss the finer points of bed wiggles, get mad at interrupted kinky wagon play and discuss hurricane naming conventions.

So, you love idiots, stop looking at those high quality bunny boobs, and sit down to have a listen with a romance pasta dish. And if you have any questions, just remember: this was all science.

Kill us now.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL