Episode 42 – Fastening a Noose Now the Chuckles Are Tallied

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The Season Finale of Two Absolute Bookends – Chapter 30 of the way the Stars Fall: Rebirth.

Back on the tranquillity, Sans Hollister and with a Popsicle alien Tona, Jack has a mental breakdown, fails to go through a wormhole, cries, destroys the Rokarii Fleet then passes out. Waking up in the infirmary, he spends the rest of the chapter musing on his situation, getting ammo from Tiberius who for some reason lets the tranquillity go, then leads his ship off into the emptiness of space following a very uninspiring speech. And that is how part one of the trilogy ends ladies and gentlemen.

This is a marathon episode of the kind not seen since the Sonic High School Saga. Not only do we go through this chapter, we go through the book as a whole, the characters, plot points we had trouble with and of course, tallied up the chuckles once and for all. If you wanted a comprehensive review of the book as a whole, as comprised by autists who have spent the last year reading through and talking about it, this week we’ve got you sorted. While we still have our moments, this is probably the longest we’ve stayed mostly on topic in the history of the podcast.

This fucking stupid idea was born in late summer 2016, it is now nearing the end of 2018 as I upload this episode. As you can probably tell from the fact I only managed to upload 9 of the 42 episode in 2018, life and somewhat dwindling passion was beginning to get in the way of this project, but frankly I’m still impressed we didn’t get bored after the first 3. My thanks to Louis for joining me on this quixotic journey, I hope he enjoyed himself as much as I did recording them, and wasn’t just doing it out of a fear I’d hang myself if the project was left unfinished. Hopefully one day when we’ve recharged our batteries he’ll get back upon Rocinante with me and we’ll find another abortion of literature to laugh at.

Finally I’d like to thank Lewis Stockton, Jim Theas and whoever the crazy diamond that wrote Sonic High School was. We may not have enjoyed your writings in the way you intended, but enjoy them we did, I hope that can make you happy in some small way and that you learnt from the process of writing these books to write something better in the future.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 41 - The Dab Heard Across The Universe

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In the penultimate chapter 29 we have a fiery conclusion to the action we’ve been building to for chapters.

Tiberius busts into the room where Jack is getting his insides made outsides by Tona, a three way fight ensues, and after Tona suddenly remember who she is, she gets knocked unconscious. Jack and Tiberius continue to fight for a while until they realise they are literally surrounded by Rokarii trying to kill them both. A Truce decided on, they try and hold them off until out of nowhere Hollister does a big damn heroes yet again. After fighting their way halfway back Jack, I shit you not, remembers that he left unconscious Alien Tona behind and makes everyone go back for her. Everyone dies, and Hollister has to sacrifice himself so Jack, Tiberius and Tona can escape in a shuttle. Then Tiberius decides to let Jack go and flies off back to the turmoil.

I’ll be straight with you, we don’t have any idea what is going on or why, nor do we particularly care at this point. But what you will get is us talking about using our podcast to learn English, wanking over a memorial video for the late Barry Chuckle, the art of the apocalyptic Dab, Chuckle Vision based excel formula and having your own eulogies set up on a sort of online dead man’s handle system.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 40 - Sad One Tonight Boys

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As the book nears its end, we find ourselves back aboard the Turmoil to find out what our old buddy Tiberius has been up to.

It can actually be summarised very quickly. He takes the Ilmarian fleets, which now all have warp drives somehow, and jumps right into the middle of the fight we left the Tranquility in last week, where he then boards the flagship just in time to be the ambiguous figure in the last chapter.

We go, as is often the case with short chapters like this, way off the reservation with regards to staying on topic. We talk about Alan Partridge, high tech modesty curtains, if DFS still will exist In the far future (and if they will still always be on sale), Mark Hamill’s car crash and our need for a TWTSF visual Novel and/or pop-up book.

And, of course, we cannot ignore the elephant in the room that is the sad passing of Barry Chuckle. RIP you crazy diamond.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 39 - All Roads Lead to Qualm Pie

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It’s all action aboard the tranquillity for Chapter 27 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth.

As they approach the wormhole, the Rokarii fleet from a few chapters ago flies out to meet them. Don’t think about the logistics of that, because they make no sense. We then have a big old spaceship fight with broadsides, ruse cruises and yet another commando raid to rescue Tona. Spoiler, Jack gets impaled on her claws. But ooh, who is this mysterious figure with a bomb who turns up for the cliff-hanger?

Still you can just feel the author trying to pull the string together in an action climax that doesn’t really pay off. As ever, we attempt to improve upon our poor source material by talking about why Nerds say ‘Gods’ rather than ‘God’, why 19th century ships had guns on their broadsides (And why this is kinda retarded for space ships), cuckoo clocks on the bridge of the Tranquillity, the pitfalls of having a wood burning stove in space and the logistics of adding a porch to your spaceship.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 38 – Unnecessary Maths

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The last chapter blew chunks, and chapter 26 isn’t any better. A short chapter that is still far too long considering literally nothing of interest happens.

We’re back on the tranquillity with jack and Hollister, and we get to enjoy Logistics the Musical as they talk about repairs, food and ammunition while slowly flying towards a wormhole. Oh joy.

You can practically see the author just wrapping things up as quickly as possible and get to the final action scene, to the degree I wonder why he even bothered writing this chapter at all. I guess he liked the sound of having 30 chapters. So, in want of actual content to discuss, enjoy your two bookends developing a leather chair based system of ageing spaceships, a discussion of deepest Chucklevision lore and briefly get dangerously close to politics when we discuss Mark Zuckerberg’s day out to the Supreme Court.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 37 – Farmer Tona and the Jack Hunter Harvest

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Welp, that didn’t last long. After being comparatively positive about chapter 24, chapter 25 turned out to be an abortion even by the usual standards of this book.

We spend the whole chapter with the Rokarii, where Tona and Queen Vilxena discuss their retarded plans to conquer the universe and milk jack for DNA, then Tona leads the fleet through the wormhole and that’s… it?

Seriously, this chapter is really short, it feels like the author is getting as bored as we are and trying to wrap this shitshow up as quickly as possible. Even with our digressions about alien fleshlights, more Romans, five minutes of us laughing at the concept of Tona yelling at a rotating hologram of Jack and the mechanics of downloading things directly to and from your brain, this episode still only just breaks 45 minutes. A fact I’m sure you are all very glad of.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 36 - Uncharacteristic Competence

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This time on Two Absolute Bookends we get a chapter of literally nothing, albeit nothing written better that any of the action we’ve had recently.

Tiberius returns back to the Imperator for a chat after everything went wrong in his attempt to capture the Tranquillity and fight the Rokarii at the same time. However, being a bro, the Imperator decides to give him another shot, and sends him back out to track down and capture the Tranquillity once and for all. That’s it. Though, we both agree, despite literally nothing happening, this chapter was actually almost written well in parts, so don’t say we can't praise the book when promise is shown.

Of course, in such a short chapter, we manage to get distracted as per usual and discuss the history of Manservants and thereby Peter’s infatuation with PG Wodehouse and the idealised version of the early 20th century he set his books in, the noble ancient Roman tradition of the haruspex and the relative merits of Scrappy Doo as a cartoon character. And who could forget the Globgogabgalab...

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 35 - Remembering Talia

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This time on Two Absolute Bookends we get some action as Tiberius and his fleet finally interact with jack and the Rokarii in the past... Just roll with it. Needless to say, as this is TWTSF, everyone is retarded.

The tranquillity is in a bad way from the pursuing Rokarii (though there wasn’t even mention of an active pursuit when we were last with them), about to be intercepted by a second fleet, when Tiberius jumps through the hole and really fucks his day up. They are both shocked to find out that somehow they are both the evil twin, upon which Tiberius resolves to blast them apart. Quite how he intends to capture them is the ship is destroyed is anyone’s guess. Long story short, jack escapes by making a sun, then goes back to save Tiberius’s fleet for stupid reasons, then they both escape back to the present and go their separate ways.

Even in this action packed chapter, your Bookend buddies still manage to talk about the (cultural) death of Mike Myers, Hitler’s paining career and the potential epilepsy of Julius Caesar. So join us, as we muse on if a Rokarii Hollister can chuckle, Louis get’s triggered by the concept of the author referring to anything in the pre-book past of the characters, the potential Homosexual experimentation in the sex dungeons of Talia and the mind splitting retardation of the time travel rules the book uses.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
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Episode 34 - Beetle Craft, Beetle Craft, Beetle Craft

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Back again with a little less down time to welcome in the New Year, your bookends this week join Captain Tiberius of the turmoil, where after like 10 chapters we finally have Tiberius’s story intersect with Jack and the Tranquillity again.

The chapter is bloody boring, Tiberius arrives in the system with the wormhole, blows up a Rokarii vessel and then goes through the wormhole. And if that sounds in any way exciting, then I’ve raised your expectations far too high. Also, in my humble opinion the author lays on the despicableness of Tiberius on far too heavy to take seriously – there’s being evil, then there’s being stupid.

Don’t you worry though, while the subject matter may be boring, your Bookends still find plenty of fun stuff to talk about in the various problems of motivation, science, sense and chronology as they try and work out how anything Tiberius does this chapter makes sense. And when that fails Peter spends ten minutes giving a lecture on naval warfare for dummies, offers a chimney based method for saving the planet and, for some reason, Nazi’s get brought up again. I wish I knew why this keeps happening. We’re just bad people I guess.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 33 – G.I. Jake

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It’s been a long long time Bookend Friends. Not only did we have eight episodes of sonic high school madness, but we had Peter being an absolute useless piece of shit when it came to editing for most of November and December, but here we are, just in time for new years, back in the ITF Tranquillity where we belong with Jack Hunter, Tona, Hollister and all the rest of the gang.

After a critical look, we’ve come to realise that nothing important happens this chapter at all, it’s all a big shaggy dog story where Jack tries to save the Alien version of Tona, and fails, then they decide they need to escape back into the present. There are insane military manoeuvres, sexual violence and more, but the only thing that actually matters is when we find out the Rokarii think Jack is the perfect human specimen and wants to harvest his DNA. I shit you not. This is where the plot is now.

Your Bookends have a mixture of relief to be back in the familiar after months of sonic high school, and abject bafflement at how the plot is developing. It’s not every story where you can discuss Alien Cuckoldry, Arrested Development and 60’s Batman and Robin without going off topic, but god bless The Way the Stars Fall for existing. The marines being unwilling to retreat from certain death does almost give Peter an aneurysm though, so swings and roundabouts.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 32 – Graduation Day at Sonic’s Hole

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We did it guys! Your two bookends are finally finished with Sonic High School and can move on with the important things in life. Eight episodes were about 7 more than I wanted to do after the first week, but we’re nothing if not dedicated to this stupidity.

For such a long chapter, not too much happens. Tails interrupts Knuckle’s sex crime, explains why his chaos emeralds couldn’t resurrect sonic, steal them back from an unconscious Cream and meet up with the rest of the cast to tell them the good news. After having gathered everyone at Sonic's grave, they make the wish, and he comes back to life, blue and with his ball disease a thing of the past. He then proceeds to have sex with Amy in horrific and confusing detail. Knuckles makes a school report about it, everyone says what they’ve learned and the principal comes out an renames the school ‘Sonic High School’ and that’s all folks.

Despite being so close to the end, it’s almost like your bookends don’t want to leave given how off topic they get, or maybe they REALLY just want to talk about anything but Sonic High School by this point. As they waste an indecent amount of time talking about Peter’s pencil cases, whether riding a horse out of a plane would kill it or give it a religious experience, selling bean bags full of olives on Dragon’s Den, the Goosebumps series, the plight of the noble grave robber and the time Peter’s front room was invaded by a screaming frog.

To conclude, Sonic High School is: ‘A series of sex events, with sentences between them. Still not sure if Troll or not.’

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 31 - Anacondas in the Ovary Office (feat. Smash Mouth)

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It’s the penultimate episode on Sonic High School your bookends will ever do. This week we’ll be reading Chapters 23 and 24, it’s been 7 episodes on this abortion of a fanfic, and my god does it feel like many, many more.

Shadow the hedgehog finds out the cause of his funeral faux pas was due to missing a Ultra Chaos Emerald. In order to get back the missing emerald he seduces cream the rabbit, and then knocks her unconscious with a piggy bank on the end of his penis. Just as he finds the emerald, Tails bursts in proclaiming he’s worked out what’s going on. We then flash back in the next chapter to the rest of the main cast at Sonic’s wake, commiserating, making teeth, being babies, just wake things. Then Tails sings a sad song about high school, before having the revelation that sent him to Cream’s house in the prior chapter.

Meanwhile, your bookends drag out this already bloated series by getting possibly the most off topic they’ve ever managed. Discussing snake care, water consumption, Tenacious D, the mystic tale of Andorra’s Box and the taste of elbow lubricant. In particular, we spend a long time on planning our perfect Anaconda and Hotdog funeral.

We also sing Tail’s song to the tune of Smash Mouth’s hit “All Star”. You have been warned.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 30 - Impromptu Funeral Dressage

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Spelunking in the caves beneath the mountains of madness yet again, your Bookend Boys Peter and Louis read chapters 20-22 of the twisted fever dream that is Sonic High school, with the end looming tantalisingly close.

After being confronted with the apparent cheating of his true GirlFriend (sic) Amy, Sonic abandons her to stay in her Auschwitz like detention, dyes his fur black and goes on a spree of violence, drugs, public masturbation and truancy. With his mind having been taken over by drugs, he breaks into Amy’s house, beats her up, punching out all her teeth, until she kicks him in the balls, at which point, confronted with the awful things he’d done and confused in his soul, he drove off a cliff to his death. Next we see Sonics funreal (sic), where everyone is sad, until Shadow turns up ruins things by trying and failing to resurrect him with the Ultra Chaos emeralds, leaving us with the sad climax of Sonic remaining dead in a coffin while shadow shakes his cadaver about.

Meanwhile Peter and Louis try to distract themselves from these horrific happenings with talk about Christmas Classic: The Snowman, car insurance adverts, the misadventures of Seagulls, DVD rule 34 and had an open discussion about the varied genitals of the Animal Kingdom.

Two more weeks of Sonic High School and freedom will be ours.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 29 - A Crocodile Penis Depression

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It’s that time again bookend fans, where your boys Peter and Louis take it upon themselves to tackle chapters 17-19 of Sonic High School, even though nobody asked them to and frankly everyone would be happier if they just stopped.

This time Sonic is forced to thank a deaf lunch woman for her house breaking skills by putting his head inside her vagina and screaming. He follows this by head butting a crocodile’s penis to the point of climax, throwing a toddler into the semen then petrifying him with his balls. Oh, and they find out Charmy bee got killed. Back at high school, buoyed up with the good news of Charmy bee’s death, Tails and Cream have sex in a cupboard, whereupon he finds Amy’s golden wristband on his knob, leading him to theorise she is some kind of prostitute. Confronted with this information, Sonic goes to confront Amy, currently in detention and horribly emaciated.

Your bookends meanwhile discuss their controversial opinions on Pickles and food deconstruction for their removal, the victimless crime that is slagging off the deaf on a podcast, contacting SEGA to make Sonic’s ball problems canon, our relatives who fought in the great wars so we could make this piece of shit and the delicious meta nougat you can curate when podcasting.

We’re nearing the final stretch now! And thankfully guns are illegal in the UK, so at least for now suicide is harder than finishing Sonic High School!

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 28 - Skatman Omega

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Join us friends; high school calls. However, while our spirits are willing, our minds are gradually being reduced to the consistency of good old Grandma Bookend’s famous kedgeree dish.

This week we read chapters 13-16 of the McDonalds endorsed masterpiece Sonic High School, where oh so much happens...

Shadow goes on a drive involving racial violence, decorating his car with spunky curtains, punking a policeman and trying to feed his cock and balls to his cars waste disposal. Oh, and he picks up silver to go to the play. The play is gay, but Charmy Bee turns out to be a murderous robot that tries to kill everyone, so that’s okay. Also Sonic poops again. Believe it or not that’s a plot point. Sonic also has to look after Knuckles and Knuckles Junior, who are both currently babies in case you have forgotten. They then practice kissing on each other while sonic films it.

Your bookends are getting seriously close to breaking, so do keep them company as they discuss Steven Kings’ constipation woes, the proliferation of Lego Rule 34 and ponder the dystopian future of Sex Robots.

When will it end?

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 27 - Chekov’s Lie Down

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This is bad bookend fans. With Peter and Louis less than halfway through Sonic High school their minds have already frayed to dangerous levels. Send help, or possibly ISIS, to put them out of their misery.

In the text Rouge gives birth to Knuckle’s baby (to the surprise of Espio, who was trying to covertly abort the baby shortly beforehand thinking it was his). Knuckles and Espio have to fight for no good reason - cucking Knuckles I suppose. Then knuckles kisses Espio and becomes a being of pure energy then goes inside of Rouge who then gives birth to him as a baby that looks like Espio. Then Sonic sees a Chinese doctor about his ball problems, that turn out to be apocalyptic in scope.

Meanwhile your bookends open a betting pool on sonic cucking, discuss the finer points of bed wiggles, get mad at interrupted kinky wagon play and discuss hurricane naming conventions.

So, you love idiots, stop looking at those high quality bunny boobs, and sit down to have a listen with a romance pasta dish. And if you have any questions, just remember: this was all science.

Kill us now.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 26 - Big Boobed Bat With Bra Has Butt Baby

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This week your bookends continue their trip into the heart of darkness that is the insanity of Sonic High School. Where Bats and Chameleons have sex in science hats, and anything is possible.

Together we learn high tier sex moves from a horny chameleon, Louis has a mental breakdown when he invents a new word for his penis and then proceeds to have an Eggman revelation. Meanwhile Peter wonders about the legality of tricking a friend into having an abortion and goes even more unhinged when faced with the reality of Charmy Bee’s chin.

So, join us on the bumpful road to becoming the alpha and the omega as we follow the path to glory that begins at the base of your friend’s penis.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 25 - ECAF EKAHS

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This week your bookends start their fan fiction odyssey into the twisted world of Sonic High School, where, against everyone’s better judgement, we will be spending the next few weeks.

Join us in our utter bewilderment as two grown men with very little knowledge of the Sonic franchise read about Sonic having ball problems that he writes about in his journal, a prom in a haunted house on Ghost Island, homoerotic interspecies crying, face shaking in madness and sadness caused by Dr Eggman as played by a fat gay asshole (the writer’s words, not mine).

This podcast also features some massive digressions from your bookends about ferrets, foxes having sex and shitting in urinals, just so they had something comparatively ordinary to talk about.

You can read Sonic High School (if so inclined) at the following link:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8085414/1/SONIC-HIGH-SCHOOL

Episode 24 - Nobody Expects the ITF Tranquillity

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Join your Two Absolute Bookends in Chapter 20 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth where the Tranquility go back 50000 years into the past, and nobody really cares, jack decided to try rescuing Tona against all good reason and Jack goes on a ‘Snatch & Grab’ with the trading ships crap marines – Starfire Squad. Huwah!

Their plan fails miserably.

I’ve made the chapter sound a lot more interesting than it actually is, with the action only taking up like a quarter of the chapter, but somehow your bookends talk forever, with Peter really going off on one about how this is the chapter where the book really lost it. He got so engrossed in yelling about time travel he forgot to mention the passage the episode name comes from. What a plum preserve he is. You get a whole groat if you can spot the passage.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/

Episode 23 - Franz Kafka’s Tona Shrike

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Join your Two Absolute Bookends in Chapter 19 of The Way The Stars Fall: Rebirth where the Team escapes from the insurrectionist ambush with minimal effort, despite not standing a chance. Meanwhile Tona undergoes a horrific transformation into a Rokarii for reasons never adequately explained.

A lot happens very quickly this chapter, with Tona taking over a quarter of the crew in a paragraph, having a battle with Jack and escaping into a wormhole, where of course Jack has to follow, also for reasons I don’t fully understand. Featuring discussions of Simpson’s memes, bacchanal orgies, bone high heels and swimming with Bel Biv Devoe for my bucket list. What a time to be alive.

Support the author and buy the book we're reading at the link below:
http://lewisstockton.com/publishing/